Marvel Officially Debuts The One Spider-Man More Pathetic Than Peter

Peter Parker has a tough life, but there’s one Spider-Man who’s so pathetic, he’s resorted to working birthdays.

Warning: SPOILERS for Gold Goblin #3Marvel has finally introduced a Spider-Man variant even more pathetic than Peter Parker, and he’s so down on his luck that he’s forced to work birthday parties. The webslinger is frequently seen as one of the most luckless heroes in the Marvel Universe, with his inability to hold down a job, maintain a relationship, or complete his schooling without his career as a superhero getting in the way. But in Gold Goblin #2, this Spider-Man’s career enrages a franchise villain so much that the wallcrawler is defeated by the Green Goblin through sheer embarrassment.


In current comics continuity, Spider-Man has hit absolute rock bottom. A mysterious decision he made six months ago (an act still unknown by the audience) has left him with zero friends, no cash, and no relationship with Mary Jane, who has since moved on and is living with another man. To make matters worse, his one remaining ally seems to be Norman Osborn. Thankfully, this Norman has reformed since his Green Goblin ways and is now the heroic Gold Goblin – but Osborn is still wrestling with his inner demons, chief among them his short temper.

Related: Marvel Reveals The Biggest Reason Why Spider-Man’s Enemies Hate Him

In Gold Goblin #3, written by Christopher Cantwell with art by Lan Medina, Manhattan is overrun by the Dark Web event, forcing many in the city to take shelter. Osborn is a physical mess; he’s just returned from a patrol as the Gold Goblin, only to find a Spider-Man entertaining children – and Osborn mistakes him for the real Spider-Man. “You should be out there, cleaning up the mess your stupid clone made!” he shouts. The Spider-Man is so embarassed and enraged, he storms out, muttering that no amount of pay is worth Osborn’s wrath.

Birthday Party Spider-Man Has The Worst Luck Ever

Norman Osborn yells at a birthday party Spider-Man

On the plus side, Spider-Man is so well-known in New York that birthday party Spider-Men appear to be quite common. Unfortunately, Norman’s wrath is incurred by the appearance of this entertainer Spider-Man – and while this isn’t Peter Parker, there’s no reason why he can’t supplement his income by making public appearances now and then. Peter’s own guilt would never allow him to do this, as he’d immediately think the same thing as Norman: he should be out saving instead of entertaining.

The real Spider-Man, meanwhile, is out of New York entirely. After a battle with his clone Ben Reilly (calling himself Chasm now), the Doppelganger uses his newly-acquired magic to deposit Peter Parker in his own personal hell: an office where a demonic version of J. Jonah Jameson shouts at him for being late. It seems that every version of Spider-Man simply cannot catch a break, regardless of their occupation.

Next: Why Spider-Man Can Never Beat Any Of His Villains

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